Diversionary Tactics

Who me? That wasn't mine.

Today, I caught the dog food bag on fire in my kitchen, spilled coffee on my crotch at the local cafe, told a male colleague I'd "be happy to take him home later" (in my car, to his house, but you know...word choice), had the UPS man see my boobs (note: MUST get living room curtain or not prop front gate) and took the LDog to the vet, only to have her poop on the floor in front of everyone as soon as we arrived.

CLASSY Monday. 

Since I'm already in the vein of shambles, this is a good a time as any to dive into the past 2 months of my dating life. I've heard it said that the only way to get over someone is to find someone new. People (presumably married or happily coupled people) love to dole out this advice. Thank you, people. Yep, yes, yeah. Except NO. This has proven time and time again to be ineffective for me. The only things that move me past someone are time or a flame-out explosive enough to be seen from space. But, since I am also a professional at ignoring my better judgement, sometime around November I made the decision that dating randoms was the way to override my heart. While this strategy has been utterly and completely unsuccessful up to this point, it has produced some delightful stories of my hot mess of a love life. Even more fun, despite the fact that San Francisco is 49 square miles, most of the dates have taken place in the same 3 block radius with my last date and my one scheduled for this week actually occurring at the same spot! Wheee! It's only a matter of time before they consider me a professional of another sort at that establishment!  Speaking of, there's also a street corner at Union and Gough that has seen a lot of my lip action. Like I said, classy. I'm already bumping into past dates unexpectedly on the street here which alarms me since I've barely been dating in these parts for 3 months. San Francisco Dating Scene: Is this all you got?!

Anyhow, let's work through a few of these attempted diversions over the next couple weeks, in order of their appearance. My apologies to all of them for being so hopelessly hung up on someone else. What can I say? I got some bad advice.

Diversion 1: The Late Bloomer

This particular date (an OkCupid arrangement) took place on a weekday holiday. It was rather spontaneous and last minute, but like I've mentioned, when you're desperately trying to erase someone else, you take what you can get. (And by "you", I clearly mean "me" and assume you actually have better judgment.) I agreed to a meeting at an hour fit for octogenarians and night shift workers, and we were off! The first sign of strangeness appeared about 3 hours before the date. I received a text that said, "Any chance you could bring a friend along to the date, and I'll bring a buddy. It could be fun!" 

Uh. Fun? Like, the Ice Storm-type "fun"? What?

No, sir. I actually do not have a single friend that is available with less than 3 hours notice to meet up with you and an undetermined second stranger. That is not happening.

Luckily, he took this rejection well, and we proceeded a deux and had an entirely fine vanilla date. If anything, he seemed a bit uptight and rigid, not a great sense of humor, minimal flirting. After an hour and a half, I was ready to call it a night. The further I got away from the date though, and the more I rehashed it with a girlfriend later, the more I felt I maybe had not given this guy enough of a chance. I mean, he was smart, attractive, had lovely lips (I have a kissing problem, deal) and was respectful and kind. Maybe the boringness would fade?

Prompted by an extra glass of wine and my friend's urging, I texted to thank him for the drinks and apologize for "not being quite myself". I mentioned a second chance and he seemed amenable...with a caveat. "You looked great in those jeans tonight. I'll meet up again as long as you promise to wear those jeans."

Wait. WHAT?! (I mean, I do look damn good in those particular jeans, but this is a man who was practically asexual during our date.)

My best guess is he stayed at the bar drinking after I left, became slightly inebriated and loosened up a little. Did this bode well for future dates? Or poorly? I have no idea, because I never heard from him after that.

Diversionary Rating (on a scale of 10):  3. Actual date was practically lifeless. Pre and post date texts, while intriguing, were ultimately too random to be effective. And, uh, there's that whole "follow-up" thing.

I promise to take more photos with my real camera in 2013!

RECIPE

You know what HAS been diversionary over the past few months? This cake. I discovered it just before this date happened and thought it would be a quick and easy dessert for some dinner guests. Imagine my surprise when it became the biggest hit of the season. Friends ask for it constantly now. While I may not go back to some of these dates for more, I'll use this recipe time and time again.

Chocolate-Peanut Butter Fun Cake

From a Bon Appetit recipe

Serves 8-16

For Cake:

Butter, to grease the pan

1 1/4 cup flour

1 cup sugar

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder (NOT dutch-processed)

1 1/2 tsp. kosher salt

1 tsp. baking soda

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1 1/4 cup water

1 tsp. vanilla extract

1/2 cup chopped semisweet or bittersweet chocolate (about 3 1/2 oz.)

1. Butter an 8x8 square cake pan. Line bottom of pan with parchment paper and butter parchment paper. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

2. Whisk together flour, sugar, cocoa powder, salt and baking soda. Add oil, vanilla, water and whisk until smooth. Fold in chopped chocolate.

3. Pour evenly into pan. Bake for 35-40 minutes or until tester comes out clean/top springs back when touched. Cool and then loosen edges with knife and invert on a plate. Peel off parchment paper.

For Frosting:

1/2 cup sugar

1/4 cup egg whites (about 2 large eggs worth)

1 1/2 tsp vanilla

1/4 cup all-natural creamy peanut butter (no sugar added)

6 tbsp. chilled unsalted butter, cut into small cubes

1/4 cup chopped chocolate (for garnish)

1/4 cup chopped peanuts (for garnish)

1. Combine sugar and egg whites in a metal bowl and set over a saucepan of boiling water. Whisk constantly until sugar dissolves and mixture begins to froth, about 3-4 minutes. 

2. Pour into mixer and whip on high speed about 5-6 minutes until thick and cooled.

3. Beat in peanut butter and vanilla. With mixer running, add a few pieces of butter at a time and incorporate well until frosting is well-combined and fluffy.

4. Spread frosting evenly on cooled cake and sprinkle with chocolate and peanut pieces.

Be diverted.